One of my Facebook friends posted recently about MSN Messenger (if you were born around the 90's or earlier you should probably know what MSN is) officially shutting down for good. Here's the link:


http://www.vyralize.com/1263/msn-messenger-officially-shutting-down-here-are-some-of-the-best-memories-we-wont-forget/


  For a while there I felt really sad. To be honest, I've not used my MSN Messenger account for a long time since Facebook started. And then with smartphones came along Whatsapp, Viber, Line etc. The last time I signed into my account was probably during form 2? Or maybe form 3. I can't really remember. But to know that it's been officially shut down for good, I kinda wished that I've used it til its last day. I guess I never really realised how important it was until it's gone.

"Nudge you if you don’t reply in 2 seconds"

"Adding yourself to see if you’re online"

  Reading through the article, I couldn't stop laughing because everything was so true. I loved nudging others if they don't reply me fast enough. And also cause I'm just really annoying that way. I ADDED MYSELF to see how it looks like when I'm online, and also whether I appeared as offline cause sometimes I just don't feel like chatting with anyone. Back then before Facebook or Friendster started, MSN was our main communication online (free). All those days we spent chatting with friends since primary school via MSN are just, unforgettable. I can never forget those days. How we used to say 'Hi' or anything with really cute emoticons, or use a wink when words aren't enough. I definitely remember the dancing pig, and the UFO.


"Being an early teenager meant having a name jam-packed with special characters that spelt out your name."



  I remember the adding random people into a group and leaving thing cause it really annoyed me. ALOT. Not only was it freaking awkward since everyone feels just about the same, but it annoyed me alot because the person that I really wanted to talk to was the one doing this. If I could put my hand through the computer screen and slap the crap out of him then, I would.

Signing in and out repeatedly to get someone’s attention

  But nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can ever beat this. THIS, is by far one of the best memories I've had with MSN. I remember having this stupid but huge crush on this guy, but I had no guts (earlier) to just randomly start a conversation with him. So I'd sign in and out, hoping that he would notice me, or get annoyed enough to tell me to stop, which would eventually start a chat. These chats would last for hours, sometimes up to 2 in the morning. Or even 3 (almost 4). And those are usually on a school night which explains my horrible eye bags back then. Though I've moved on from those feelings for a long time, it feels good reminiscing the good old days. 

I'm really gonna miss MSN.

  

the One

  It's often tough to find the One in our lives. And by the One, I mean THE 'One'. The ultimate and special person who has special magnetic powers that draws you towards them to hold on forever. Sometimes we think that we've found them, but it turns out to be wrong. Which is why the rate of divorce cases are still hiking up Mount Everest. But sometimes, we don't realize that we've really found the One, and take things for granted. While we ourselves may not realize that, the people around us do. There's this Chinese saying "当局者迷，旁观者清" which means those closely involved cannot see as clearly as those outside. (and btw I had to google translate and paste this cause I have no idea how to type Chinese characters on my computer -___-)

  I know a friend who is currently in a similar situation, and it just drives me crazy. I know it's none of my business, but still, I can't help it. They make such a perfect couple! And why? Here's why:

1) He has feelings for her
2) She has feeling for him
3) How they met in NS and still managed to keep in contact after all these while is crazy. I personally hate NS (thank you Dude up there for sprinkling such amazing good luck on me. You're awesome) to the max. So, yeah.

4) They have probably the same views on almost everything

5) They're halfway to becoming in-laws for both side of the family already.

  So, what's the problem here?

NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP

  I know, it's hard. And I myself have issues with expressing my feelings. BUT, this is different. They both like each other, and both their friends know that they like each other. In fact, we've been playing the matchmaker/middle-person role for quite sometime. Gathering information on the other person via someone and trying to help them cause it's really nice to see a happy couple and know that somehow by some miracle you helped them get there. Of course, it's normal if you don't want to get into a relationship. But I think that it would be great if you could just let the other person know how you feel, so that if they feel the same way too, your time will come one day. Leaving one person in the dark, clinging on to that tiny strand of hope that you feel the same way too is just too torturous. Eventually that tiny strand will dissolve into darkness, just as their feelings for you will eventually fade and subside. 

  If only life had a perfect plan for us, things would have been much more easier. This, for example.

  I don't know what you guys think, but I find it really sweet and adorable to spent the rest of your live with the person you love. And looking back to see how they both grew up together, and spent practically every awesome moment together. The second last picture is kinda sad tho. I somehow find the next picture (below) interesting, and kinda cool. Just imagine, and afterlife with your beloved and you still get to dance to MJ's Thriller while scaring the shit out of the whole world LOL.

  If only life can be that way. Not the zombie dancing part (though I secretly hope it happens cause it's freaking cool wtf), the other part. Anyway, I really hope this friend of mine really does something about his relationship cause I seriously have this urge to punch him in the face for making the girl wait so long (it's torture I tell you. TORTURE!)

























Just kidding LOL.

My Best Friend , Kim ♥

It's funny sometimes, how we think we really know someone and it turns out we don't know anything about them. At least, not anymore. And also, when we start to appreciate the little joys in life, most of the time it's too late. And, when we suddenly realise that we've been missing out a lot on someone's life, only then do we do something about it.

Anyway, we're really parting ways now sighs.


Kim, I wish you all the best in the States. Sorry I didn't call you earlier. I guess we're all just too caught up with our own stuffs. Funny thing is, I actually had a dream of you the night before I messaged you. I dreamt that you were at the airport, so I thought maybe we could meet one last time before you fly off. My telepathic senses kicked in too late hahah. Anyway I'm glad that you're chasing your future, and that you're happy. Thanks for being an awesome friend, for always being there for me. Take care kay? We'll miss you. I'll miss you. ♥

  The past few weeks had been really hectic for me. So many assignments going on at the same time along with tests. Even now I still have a few assignments left but I'm just stuck so I'm gonna let it rest for a while. I've been so busy with school stuffs that I didn't really have time to read the news paper. Most of the time I just listen to the news on the radio while driving sighs. Sometimes I get so stressed up I feel like I might just explode anytime. I'm like a walking time bomb stuck to the back of a balloon so sensitive that even the slightest touch could make me blow.

  Apart from that, my mind is a total mess when it comes to emotions. I feel confused sometimes, or most of the time. How, and when, did I fall so deeply? I don't think I've ever felt this way for anyone for so long. Most of the time they're just really short feelings that goes away after a while. But this, it's different. And no, it's not some sweet love story where the other person feels the same way too and decides to take the first step so everyone ends up living happily ever after. No. I'm hundred percent sure that this is just a one-way thing. Wait, make it two hundred percent. That's how sure I am. It's amazing how stubborn my heart is (and I thought my brain was stubborn) sometimes. No matter how many times I tell myself that nothing will ever come out of this, stupid heart just doesn't understand. It's probably high on love drugs or something wtf.

May Our Paths Meet Again

  On Tuesday before our practice ended, we sang May Our Paths Meet Again for one of the members who was leaving soon to the States to further his studies. So Tuesday was most probably his last night with us. I haven't heard that song in years, I don't even remember when was the last time we sang it. All I know is that each time I hear that song, I'll definitely sing along. And when I do that, I end up crying wtf. Tuesday, I wasn't sure if I'm crying because of the song, or because someone's leaving.. How do I tell? I've only been with this choir for less than 3 months, am I that attached to them yet? I don't think so. But the thought of someone who's leaving the choirs kinda sucks cause it's a big family. But everyone's still gonna be close and stuck like super dinosaur glue that's for sure. I think I'm starting to feel more comfortable with them..not all, but some. At least I'm really comfortable around Lilian, so that's a good start right? Hahah

Freedom, let our voices soar high in the sky

  On Saturday (1.6.13) I went to Johor with the choir. Andrea and Yat Kuan were my room mates for the night. I can conclude that Andrea is insane. Really, insane. How did she survive out of an asylum for so long, I have no idea LOL. But insane's good. I think we should all be sometimes, otherwise life would really be boring. Hotel room was nice too. They had just about everything we need, and I loved the bed. Comfy, fluffy bed. OH and they even had a box of condoms which I initially thought was candy wtf. Anyway, the competition was on Sunday, and we won first place. On the way back in the bus, our conductor asked each of us about our thoughts and feelings. Obviously I had no idea what to say since my thoughts are always in a mess. Usually it's easier for me to express myself through words of my own (Note: words of my own, which means I won't be using perfect english, AND some parts will still be a mess) rather than to speak on the spot. And with almost everyone staring at you while you speak. Seriously, it felt like they were gonna pounce on me the moment I end my freaking short speech.

  To be honest, I have not spent much time with this choir cause I only joined them recently (about 2 months?). Each time I attend rehearsals, seeing how close they all are, like a family, it makes me feel happy, yet envious at the same time. I envy how they manage to stay together after all these years (after graduating for some), how they're so comfortable with each other. It makes me wonder what my  future will be like. Will I still keep in touch with my friends? Or will we all part ways the moment we step out of school? Anyway, there are times where I feel left out, which is kinda sad. I feel like I don't fit in. I can't say that I never tried, but I can't say that I tried enough too. I tried to mingle with some of them, so far we're still in the stage of simple common topics and awkward laughs when there's nothing much to say. With the rest, I'm still stuck with the awkward 'Hi' and smile. It has never been easy for me to fit in with a new group of people. Usually it takes quite some time for me to get used to them, to be comfortable enough that I can be myself. I'm just that weird hahah.

  All that aside, how or what did I feel during the 2 days with them for the competition? I would say that I felt really happy (OBVIOUSLY HAHAH), excited, but most of all, grateful. I felt really grateful for having the chance to join the choir. I felt grateful for having really awesome teachers, who never ceased to amaze/inspire me each time I meet them. I felt grateful for having the opportunity to learn from so many wonderful seniors.

  I can't really tell you how grateful I am. The amount of gratitude I have towards everyone in this choir is just too much to be described with a few words or sentences. It's the type of feeling that you know what it is, but you just can't explain. How did I even manage to meet such awesome people? I really don't know. Sometimes, I think it's kinda fated LOL. If I was born a few years earlier, I might not be studying music right now, my whole life path would have changed, and I never would have met these wonderful people in my life. I'd probably end up becoming a lawyer or dancer. Maybe I would have went into ballet. Or maybe the other sperm carrying the Y-chromosome would have won the race, and I'd be a guy now, which might not actually be a bad thing since guys don't get periods and stupid cramps wtf. Anyway, back to the feelings part. I've learnt a lot from the competition, seeing how the other teams perform. During the competition, there was a feeling in me that I couldn't explain. Later only did I realise that it was a feeling of being there before, like deja vu. Not the whole same competition and venue type of deja vu, but my past experiences from my days in high school. I still remember how I felt when we won our first choir competition (first place) back then, and how we worked hard together as a team to bring up and maintain the standard of our school choir. We've came a long way since then. Liberta Voce was formed on 12.12.12 (I wasn't in the choir yet). The choir is still considered quite new (or young, hahah), and this was their first competition since they formed the choir. I hope that things will go smoothly for them (although there is bound to be ups and downs in the journey), and that the choir can build up steadily, and finally reach its peak. I guess I'm hoping to experience the same thing that happened to Seafield choir, in this choir. Does that make sense?

  The waiting part (for the results) was the hardest. I was so freaking nervous there wasn't any butterflies in my stomach. You know why? Cause they're all drowned in the tsunami/hurricane that was going on in there, and sucked into the tornado that tore through the NicsOrgan Revolution war. I had to hug myself most of the time because if I didn't, I think my intestines would have poured out as though a samurai sword just slashed me. Exaggerated? Yes. But that's how I felt at that time. And when they announced the results, I cried. BUT only a little, VERY LITTLE. Controlled my emotions like a freaking military trained soldier wtf cause I didn't want to ruin my make up, and also cause we had to perform again. I still can't find a suitable word to describe my feelings pfft.

  Does that explain my feelings/thoughts? No, not really. There's still a whole lot in my head, all jumbled up. And I can't really sort them out yet cause one moment this thought is flying through, next moment another thought zips past. That's how messed up I am HAHAH. All in all, I'm really grateful for everything that has happened. I just hope that the awkwardness will pass so that I can fit in just fine. I think I'm gonna love everyone of them, as in really, really, really love them because they're just that awesome. =)

Liberta Voce <3

Too much sun

  The weather has been preeeettyyyy hot lately. Actually, no. It's worse than that. Sometimes I feel like I'm in an oven. A freaking huge, gigantic oven. Like the ones they had in Jack the Giant Slayer, except that I'm not stuck/wrapped in bread like a sausage bun. I'm a free chicken running around the oven. Seriously, wth? Even my dogs sneak into the house cause the marble floor is cooling hahah wtf. It has not been raining around our area for quite some time. Too long. Before this it rained too much, ow its not raining at all UGHHHH. I. NEED. RAIN. I actually got so desperate at one point that I asked Belle if I should google up some rain dance voodoo thingi and invite the rain over. Can you imagine that? Me dancing in the middle of the road/field with some funny/weird leaves or cowbell in my hand while singing/chanting "COME RAIN COME. I LOVE YOU PLEASE COME. MAMBOJAMBOGIBBAYABAYODAMASTAPLASMATVRAINY I COMMAND YOU TO COME!!" That would be really creepy. And funny maybe. People would probably upload a video of me onto Facebook and I'll turn famous overnight wtf.

Trying Not to Love You

You call to me, and I fall at your feet
How could anyone ask for more?
And our time apart, like knives in my heart
How could anyone ask for more?

[Chorus]
But if there's a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven't found it yet
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far
And trying not to need you, is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for
'Cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Only makes me love you more

And this kind of pain, only time takes away
That's why it's harder to let you go (That's why it's harder to let you go)
And nothing I can do, without thinking of you
That's why it's harder to let you go (That's why it's harder to let you go)

[Chorus]
But if there's a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven't found it yet
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far
Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for
'Cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more

[Bridge]
So I sit here divided, just talking to myself
Was it something that I did?
Was there somebody else?
When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears
Sat right down beside me, whispered right in my ear
Said, I've been dying to tell you

That trying not to love you, only went so far
Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart
Now I see the silver lining, from what we're fighting for
We just keep on trying, we could be much more
'Cause trying not to love you
Oh, yeah, trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Only makes me love you more


  I've been spending a lot of time, thinking to myself, wondering if it's worth taking the risk. Should I take my chances? Cause I don't know. I really don't know anymore. Can someone please just give me a sign? Pocahontas had Grandmother Willow, Cinderella had her fairy godmother. I'm trying to listen to my heart, but it's afraid. Afraid of what will happen. What should I do?

The Small Breeze. Invisible.

  Looking back, I've spent my whole life in high school with SCC. In fact, I dedicated all my time to them. I'm not a very greedy or demanding person, all I ever wanted was to be appreciated for everything I've done, everything I've sacrificed. Is that too much to ask for? All these years, I've never been active in anything else cause there wasn't enough time. All my time was spent on SCC. Since form 1, I've worked hard, contributed and sacrificed. All the countless arguments I had with my mum, all the conflicts, don't these mean anything? I'm not asking for anything, I just want to be remembered and appreciated for what I've done for the club. Not too much to ask for, right? Then, why is it, that once one has left, you're never remembered? Erased from their memory, as if you we're never there. Never one of them. Never a part of that family. All these years, I wonder if I've been fooling myself. Since the day I left, no, to be exact, even before I left, I was invisible. Nobody sees me but myself. Maybe there are a few who really sees me, but they're a minority. I've been a ghost all this time. Invisible but heard once in a while, like a wind. A small breeze. A very, very small breeze. A breeze that is seen and heard only when they need something from me.

People Change, As Time Goes By

  For the past few weeks, I've been rather moody most of the time. There are just too many things that I don't understand. No matter how hard I try to, how much time I spend thinking, I just still don't get it. How did a friendship that was once so beautiful change so much? 5 years. To some, it's quite short. And others, it might feel like 50 years instead. Me? I think it depends on how things are after those 5 years. I have people who have been part of my life for 15 years and still counting. Sure, we got separated for a few years and all, but things are still the same. It's as if nothing changed, we're still the same kids we were when we first met. Then there are those people whom I've met since 12 years ago, but sometimes I feel like we've only known each other for less than a week. These people, are the ones that I parted with since high school, and only met up occasionally. The first 2 years still felt fine, at least to me. I really thought that things would always remain the same. I held on to every single piece of memory, every string that bonded us, as though it was my dear life. Which in a way, kinda is. 5 years was all it took for us to drift apart. 5 of us, 5 years. Among us, some are always missing/giving excuses, avoiding contact, not speaking to each other, left out. Strangers. That's the only word I can think of that would describe our relationship. We're just like strangers to each other now. It really hurts when I think of it, cause we were all really close to each other. Back then, I thought that we would be BFF's, even dreamed of living in the same neighbourhood after we all grow up. How naive and stupid I was. But as a kid, I guess that was acceptable. Who would have thought that after everything we've been through, this is how we'd end up after just 5 years? Now I'm always wondering, will the same thing happen to me and my other friends? The ones I've met in high school, will we end up the same way after everyone starts college/uni, working and stuff. Will there be a day where we sit at the same table but find no common topic to talk about, or no one even makes time to meet up? How bout my new friends from uni? Will we all part ways after we've graduated? Or perhaps even before that. Perhaps when we start our degree courses? Since we'll be separated by contemporary and classical subjects, will we all end up that way? It frightens me sometimes when I think about it. You might say that I'm thinking too much, why worry myself with useless thoughts right? I'm just making myself depressed. But, I can't help it. My family and friends are really important to me. I'm afraid of losing any one of them because I really love them. They mean the world to me. 

  On a side note, I've been dreading family gatherings recently. I know this kinda contradicts to my statement above, but, yeah. It's not them that I dread, it's the questions that I have to answer whenever I visit them. Maybe it's cause I'm *cough*19*cough* older now, so everyone's (except my parents) kinda expecting me to be in a relationship WTH. I mean, like, seriously??! Why does everyone have this thinking that, as you grow up, you should have a crush on someone, then finally get into a relationship, get married, have kids, grow old and die?! Okay, we all grow old and die, it's just a matter of time. But, the rest? It makes no sense to me at all. Just because I'm 19 doesn't mean I need to have a boyfriend. When I tell them "no, I don't have a boyfriend" everyone will just be like whaaaatt?? why not?? Why not? Here's why not:

1. I have not found the right guy yet.

2. I will not 'love' a guy just so I can have a boyfriend like most people around my age.

3. Even if I do like someone, that someone will definitely be a friend cause you don't just love random strangers. Crushes are NOT counted.

and the most important one of all...

4. Who in the world would like me for ME??

  Not trying to be a whiny bitch and all, but seriously. If you know me personally, and by personally I mean REALLY PERSONALLY like down to the core type and not just some random facebook friend, you should know by now that I am really hard to handle. Why? Cause I can be a real bitch sometimes. Not the Mean Girls type of bitch (well, sometimes maybe. but it's not that bad..). Also, I'm really weird and crazy, sometimes even my friends give me the wtf are you doing are you seriously insane??! look because I get too out of hand. Sometimes. Not all the time. I'm still sane enough pfftt. Back to the main point: to like me for me? For who I really am? That's a whole different story. I'm damn stubborn so I won't change or bow down to others cause I'm just that much of a stubborn head. And my temper? Hmm.. not that bad I guess. I mean, if you make me mad or something, worst thing that could happen is I'll probably just tie you up to a pole and whack you like a pinata, then get a really huge meat chopper and start working on you so that the zombies wont choke and puke while trying to consume you into their bottomless pit stomachs. Not really that bad, right? So, to find someone who can actually accept all my craziness, bad points, my fugly eczema skin, my lame jokes, my sudden mood swings while coping with my *coughs* awesomeness *coughs*, that dude's probably insane too. JUST KIDDING hahahahahhaha. Ohh well, fts. I'm probably gonna stay single and die a loner cause I'm too much of a chicken to tell a guy that I like him. Not that I'm liking anyone right now. Cause I've seen and experienced how it's like when someone confesses their feelings to another person, and there's no mutual feelings shared. Thing's kinda gets awkward, even if the other person tries to be cool and all about it. That kid's hurt, and only time can heal their wounds. And by the time it's healed, the friendship between both of them won't be the same anymore. SO...I'd rather not risk it. That's how much I love my friends. 

  So..I guess that's enough update for now? Till then, take care.  =)

2013

  2013 has been fairly good to me so far. No major problems and stuffs YET.

  On 25th January 2013, I turned 19. Few days before that, I was having a conversation with my friend about growing up when we both mentioned that this would be my last year as a teenager. Then we moved on to how grown up we should be and how we should act appropriately to our age. I started joking that I should be more mature and stop talking like some kid, so I tried. It was a failed attempt. I couldn't even get through the first 10 seconds without laughing like a hyena. Pfft. Anyway, growing up doesn't mean I can't have fun like kids do. When I hit the big two-oh, I'm still gonna be the same old *ahem, young* me. Going from 18 to 19 hasn't had much difference in me so far, though I dread answering questions regarding my age. I think I'm starting to understand why ladies who are 20 and above refuse to tell you their age now. And to think that I actually scoffed that their ridiculousness hah. Now it's happening to me. It's karma I tell you, KARMA! Sighs...

  SO, back to the main point (was there a main point actually?). I went out with Meera on my birthday for lunch and some shopping at Sunway. Meera wanted to watch Hansel and Gretel but there wasn't enough time, so we just kinda walked around. When we came home, I thought that my mum had put up the CNY decorations cause when I opened the door slightly there were lights. Then, SURPRISE. My friends were there with cupcakes and relighting candles, waiting for me. I was so touched that I actually teared a little (thank goodness the lights were off so no one saw it hahah). I just kept asking who else knew and how long did they know bout this. Apparently everyone knows about it except for me. HMPH. But, oh well, surprise is surprise. I didn't even suspect anything so I guess everyone can be part-time actors if there's any hiring hahah. I had a really great time that night with all of them. They even filled my room with pink and blue balloons. And there were notes stuck to the balloons which I had to reassemble to make into proper sentences *speech*. Life's great with friends around.

from left: Hui Sze, Meera, Shao Jun, See Yeng, Yi Shuen, me, Chiao Yun, Mabel

  Back to college. Things are still going quite well for now. I just remembered a few days ago that we had an assignment due after CNY, and I still haven't started on it yet. So, yeah. CNY ruined ughh. I have really little classes in school now, which is kinda a good thing. But I feel sad sometimes cause I don't get to see my friends so often anymore. First sem was the most hectic of all, but it was also the semester that I met my friends, spent time with them and grew closer. Now, sure, I don't have many classes to attend, but I really miss the times spent with those people. Before this, waiting for choir to start was so much fun. Now, it's just really sad. Also because some of my friends are in other choirs now. SOBS. I really miss those times now.  =(
































"When the night draws its curtains across the sky
I'll lay right here and say your name before I close my eyes
Replay the words you said today
Replay your jokes that made my day
I'll play them all again until I close my eyes
They become a lullaby
Your lullaby"