Where are you?

It hurts when you meet someone after a really long time, and feel like you don't really know them anymore. But you know what hurts more? Occasionally seeing a small bit of the old them in that new personality they're trying to pull off. It sucks because as much as I want to scream and yell at that person, for changing, for becoming another stranger to me, I can't. Why? Because once a while, I still see that innocent, crazy, long lost childhood best friend of mine, and all is forgiven. It's like, I want to give them a big hug but at the same time I feel like slapping some sense into them. How did all this happen? We were kids, who had big dreams and plans for the future. None of this was what we ever thought of. Doctors, scientists, rockstars, secret agents etc, but never this. I just don't understand, no matter how much I think about it. How did you end up where you are now? Where's that girl? The one who was once so full of confidence in herself? The one who was so care-free? So full of life? A real life. Where's my friend? The one I've known for as long as I could remember? The one who teased and fought with me almost everyday? Where's that crazy ass bitch who could do anything crazy with me, who could understand all this madness that goes on in my head? The one with crazy and wild imaginations, which I loved so much. That girl who would put her friends and family before herself? Where did she go? Sometimes I ask myself: did I play a part in this transformation? Perhaps, if I hadn't been so busy with my own stuff, if I had called her out more often, would things be different today? What if we all made a little more effort, would we have been able to keep her? To keep our friend?

I miss that crazy friend, I really do. You have no idea how much I've missed you. How terrible I feel each time I think of you because deep down inside, there's a part of me cursing myself for losing you. There's a part of me that tells me, if only I had made a little more effort, maybe things would have been different, maybe you would have been different. I'm worried sick, worried that one day I would wake up to news about you, news that would shatter my world. I fucking miss you okay? We all do. We just want our old friend back. Please.

Me.

As time passes, people change.

We all do, be it a little or a lot.

We've all changed, for the better, or for the worst.

At least, I know I have.

Some are good, and some aren't the kind of change I expected.

Some changes, I wished they would have just stayed the way before.

I would do anything to find back that confidence I once had. 

I would do anything to be that girl I used to be.

I would do anything, to be me.

I want to be me.

Surprised.

Okay. So for my 20th birthday, I was surprised again. I really thought that after the huge crazy surprise they gave me last year, this year would be a quiet one, probably dinner and movies, something like that. But nope. As always, this crazy bunch of friends I have never cease to amaze me. How in the world did they do the planning and stuff without me knowing anything at all?! I know I'm really blur, but seriously. They're like, super secret agents, or ninjas. They're amazing. So, okay. Here goes:

First of all, a huge thanks to my lovely family for helping/planning the surprise party. After a whole day of teaching, my brain kinda got fried. Upon returning home, I just sat there watching Pretty Little Liars which I've been waiting for since last year. I was tired, but not exhausted. I just needed something to take my mind off teaching. Then Kaima came, and I still didn't suspect anything (note: they were already in Meera's house since god knows when). So, Kaima was watching some Korean drama, and I to join her for a short while. As I heard mum's car honk, I went to open the door, expecting a carload of groceries, only to find the whole gang there. I had no idea how or what to react. I was just speechless, dumbfounded. I really wasn't expecting to see them there at my front door jumping around LOL. But honestly, I was really really really REALLY TOUCHED. I know my face probably had the wtf-you-doing-here look, but I was really overwhelmed with joy. So many things were running through my head at that moment, yet all I could display on my face was nothing. I felt like crying, laughing, running, hugging, and so much more, but I just stood there asking really dumb questions. I guess I'm not a really fun person for others to surprise sighs. I have no idea how to display all those emotions all at once, so the only thing I could do was smile like a child receiving a freaking hugeass present on Christmas day. 

I'm really grateful to have such amazing friends and family. I can never thank them enough for all the things they've done for me over the years, but most of all, for always being there for me. As the characters in korean dramas usually say when he/she finds a good boyfriend/girlfriend, "I must have saved a country in my past life" LOL. But really, I probably did. Maybe I was Mulan, or Pocahontas hahah. I have the most amazing people in my life, what more can I ask for? If I never do find that right guy in this life, I doubt that I'll have any regrets because my life is already as awesome as it can get. 

To the awesome gila gang who were always there for me throughout my years in high school, thank you. You guys were the ones who helped me survive those years, who accepted me for the crazy mess I am, who stayed with me when I was at my weakest, who bared with me through my always changing moods and bad temper. I really don't know what would I do without all of you. Who needs a boyfriend with you have such awesome friends LOL. Thanks for being the craziest of the craziest, and the awesomest (yes I know that there's no such word, but 'most awesome' doesn't seem enough in their case) friends who bring out the crazy weirdo in me, and yet take me for the person I am. 

To May, Bernice and Andrea, thank you for the surprise over lunch. I really thought that Bernice was going to buy her imported ice cream! And Andrea was probably sleeping or watching movies on her laptop in the hostel. I wasn't expecting both of you to walk through the cafe door with cakes and candles, singing "Happy Birthday" in pianissimo HAHAH. And ze yam really did a good job distracting me while waiting for Bernice to return with her 'ice cream'. I ALMOST got that tiramisu but for some unknown reasons, I didn't. Thank you guys so much for everything. Thank you for making my life in UCSI amazing, and filled with fun. Really, thank you. I'm really glad that I met you guys, cause you're crazy amazing, and crazy. Crazy hahahhha.

Well turns out this post isn't that long after all hmmm. I feel like there's so much more that I want to write about, but I just can't seem to find the right words. I've always had troubles expressing just how I feel, because they're all jumbled up in my mind. And it's like a freaking F1 race in my brain I tell you. Not that I'm a fast thinker, or anything like that. But because my thoughts are always zooming by and then they're gone. And it takes time for me to recollect my thoughts and put them into proper sentences, which is quite tiresome because there's just too many things going on in that crazy mind of mine. I'm really sorry that this post didn't turn out the way it should have been. You guys deserve more, but oh well, just remember that I LOVE YOU GUYS VERY MUCH OKAY? 

To everyone who wished me be it face-to-face, facebook, whatsapp, sms, call, viber, snapchat etc, thank you, THANK YOU so much for your wishes. *huge smile*

I love everyone single one of you! <3

Nic

Disappointed.

Sometimes it's harder when you have to speak. I thought I was done in the practise room, done crying while playing all the songs again. I really thought I was done, and that it was over. Turns out it's not. Thinking about it hurts, but saying it out loud feels worse. The words get all choked up, and it hurts at the throat. My chest felt like there were a hundred rocks stacked up on it.

I may have failed this time, but I won't give up. I'll be back, with better results. This is a promise to myself.